Things I learned in Birthing Class.

When you're pregnant, the doc typically recommends you take an eight hour birthing class (broken up in several sessions, usually) at the hospital you're scheduled to give birth in. It's not mandatory, but for me it was a no-brainer. I like to be prepared, people. First step, however, was convincing Hubby that we even needed to go.

Saturday:
Hubby: Wait, so when is that baby class thing again?
Me: Birthing class. Tuesday at 6.
Hubby: Crap...that's the same time as our holiday party...
Me: (Not taking the bait) Aw, that sucks. But...why would they do it on a Tuesday anyway?
Hubby: I dunno...ummm...soo, we can't really miss one? Do we even need to go? We know what happens. You have the baby. Whatever.
Me: (Sorts emotions into place) Yes, babe. We have to go. It's the first class. There are only four, and we have to pay and everything. And we don't know what happens. I need more information...I don't know what to expec—
Hubby: Wait, wait, wait. We have to pay? What kind of bullshit—
Me: Oh, stop. Yes, it's 50 bucks.
Hubby: Fif-wha-come onnn.
Me: (Death stare.)
Hubby: Alright, alright. (mutters) Fifty dollars. I could teach this class for free.

Tuesday afternoon:
Hubby: So, I was talking to Fahzzy. He and L didn't go to birthing classes.
Me: (waiting to see where he's actually planning on going with this.) No?
Hubby: He said he wishes they had, though. She was in labor for 30 something hours, and he kept freaking out. So, you know.

I do, babe.

So. A few fun things we I learned.

The instructor may have you practice deep breathing methods by first watching a clock for 30 seconds, then watching some video of clouds and baby feet and ocean waves for 30 seconds. When she asks the class which made the time pass more quickly, the correct answer is not, "the clock." This answer results in shocked silence and apparently gives you the distinction of being the "only one in the history of the class" to feel this way. Hubby has now, however, offered to help me out Flava Flav style during my labor.

I've also been informed by the instructor that she will remember me forever. "If not by name, by the fact that you're the clock couple."

Having a baby is like having a poo. No, really, the instructor said this. In those words, because she is a quirky Brit and says fantastic things like that all day long. What she meant is that your body just instinctively knows how to push, but I will forever think twice about using the term poo-baby from here on out. (You know what a poo-baby is...when you have to go...excessively...you get it, I know you do.)

I will forever be scarred by the wall-sized projection of a drawing depicting an episiotomy. She promised (PROMISED!) the doctors don't want to do these and so won't unless absolutely necessary, as they don't particularly like performing extra procedures (stitches, in this case). So all I can do is believe her.

Oh my god, the image is ingrained. Make it stop.

The idea of an epidural that I was tossing around? I don't want it. I am still open to it if medically necessary, but I'm now even more gung-ho about trying this thing naturally. If I succumb to the pain issue, I'd rather cave and receive another option, like a 'numbing' agent, rather than the whole shebang of the epidural. I know myself, and whether I will actually want to get out of bed and move around or not, the fact that I physically wouldn't be able to will seriously upset me. I'm already off my anxiety meds for the sake of this kid...the last thing I need is a panic attack during my labor.

Speaking of panicking, I'm ACTUALLY HAVING A BABY.

But eight hours of class later, Hubby told me how much he enjoyed the class. I think we're both feeling much more prepared and aware of what to expect, how long I can labor at home before having to drive to the hospital, and how he can will support me while I push a CHILD out of my body. (BTW, when are they going to invent a way to do that laparoscopically? That's got to happen eventually, right?) I was pretty disturbed that our class only had five couples in it when it's only offered twice a month, because I'd recommend it to anyone having a baby.

Yes, you have to watch some videos showing more of complete strangers than you're really comfortable with, and you may be struck a few hours in with the notion that ohmygodthisisreallyhappening, but it's also fascinating and informative and honest. If you're ever on the fence, go. And tell that baby daddy of yours to shut it and just go. Cause really, we all know this is all their fault.